It's time for parents to step back, choose how they spend their - and their children's - time, and stare down competitive parent-shaming, an Australian journalist says.
Wendy Tuohy Melbourne mother-of-three and editor of Fairfax's Daily Life has recently written a piece on what she has learned during her 14 years as a working mum, juggling job demands, home-life and children's after school activities.
Photo: RNZ/ Nick Monro
Tuohy's column Learn to live with chaos is based on her experiences as a mother who tried to do it all.
"You just live with a drum beat at the front of your mind, 'what have I got to do next'; 'what have I forgotten'; 'oh bloody hell, I'm late for this'; 'where's that form'; 'oh! the doctor'; 'oh! the dentist'.
"I just assumed I had to do it all. I didn't want to, I wanted less responsibility but didn't know how to delegate in the end."
She says her quality of life and resilience were severely tested.
"You can end up living your days feeling like there's three sabre-toothed tigers right behind you and you feel their hot breath."
The boom in so-called enrichment activities for children has only made a stressful job worse, she says.
"It's okay to miss some of the school stuff. The commitments for one kid now, even in kinder[garten], are much, much more than they were in our day.
"I barely remember my parents going to the school and I was quite happy with that."
Pick your attendance battles
"I was mother shamed by another mother for not attending the unveiling of the school's new building. The idea was the school was happy with this. We'd all helped pay for it - so we'd done our bit really - but they wanted all the parents walked around during work hours by their kid and shown the expensive building.
"I don't think that's a formative experience for my child and she walked around with her friend's mum. Someone noticed I wasn't there and said 'oh, I see your daughter's face when you miss these things'.
Such comments can "leave a mark on your soul, even when they shouldn't," she says.
Feeding the troops
"The number of times I stood over the first onion I was chopping and thought 'oh God, I need a bigger glass of wine."
She now batch cooks on a Sunday and says it has been a game changer.
"I spend half of Sunday afternoon cooking up batches of food and freezing them or using a slow cooker was very helpful.
"I asked mates 'give me three dishes I could make on a Sunday that will last for three days' and I can freeze some and maybe even get through five, and I just batch cooked. And that revolutionised my life."
Work demands
She used to over perform, over compensate at work - but with hindsight says that is a fool's game.
"I used to leave a jacket on my seat if I needed to leave early.
"Now I'm like, 'no - hold your head up high, know your work is good. Have a bit of faith -
"Don't question 'you haven't been seen in the office beyond 5 o'clock for two months' ... you have to learn to banish those thoughts and banish those insecurities and I've found if you are spread thin and are tired that can be when you're vulnerable to negative self talk.
"Be efficient, know your work is done and leave, is my best advice."
Over scheduling children
"With my sons the after-school activity boom was really taking off and an almost competitive atmosphere of 'am I doing enough enrichment activities?' I've done them all - if I listed them all and what I've spent it would just be so embarrassing."
She says to focus on one thing your child loves.
"One activity they really love - whether it be violin, whether it be a sport or an art activity, a drama lesson, whatever - that thing that the child looks forward to, that's worth investing your time, your heart and money in."
Activity overload is a modern curse, she says.
"With this cohort of parents unfortunately it's more entrenched. With young kids now, parents [are expected to] have an equal responsibility in education as schools and you need to take charge of bringing them the extra that will help them get a higher mark - that pressure is extreme.
"You have to blinker yourself to protect yourself from it because that rushing about, that frantic pace: you'll see families literally doing three activities on a Saturday.
"It's not because they are pushy parents - they think that is what's, just, done - and doesn't have to be."
She says the slow parenting movement is taking off in Australia.
"And no child has been harmed during this experiment. You can go slow - but it is swimming against the tide unfortunately.
"I would really argue that a lot of those enrichment activities are really just stress-inducing for everyone involved and really expensive."
Find an ally
"You will find someone who sees the world like you and you can have a laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I would ring one of my friends in particular and say, 'am I mad that I don't think this or that is actually as significant as some people are making it seem?'
"In Australia the amount of stress and drama made of what school your kid gets into and status and stuff - it still exists and it is such bollocks.
"Just one other voice who sees the world like you can free you from that bubble - and it is a bit of a bubble unfortunately."
