Photo: Ketut Subiyanto
Getting into a heated exchange with your partner over text is never a recipe for relationship success, says therapist Jo Robertson.
"Nobody feels cared for over text message in a conflict. Nobody feels really heard or really listened to. And that's our ultimate goal in every single conflict," she tells Kathryn Ryan.
Listen like you mean it
Finding a way through disagreement is a lifelong battle for every couple, Robertson says, and the best strategy is for both parties to practice "really, really good listening".
In the midst of a disagreement, most of us are focused much more on 'how do I get my point across', she says, rather than what the other person is saying.
"Even while they're talking we're thinking about what our point is and how we are right. Fundamentally, that was going to create real cracks in the relationship.
"The goal is to listen to each other, to hear the other person out and respond with a strategy or a plan that's going to meet the needs of both of you."
Talk about areas of conflict when you're feeling calm
Robertson is a big fan of people waiting until they feel calm to have a difficult conversation but also understands this can be a real challenge.
"I think that it's a discipline, to be honest. I think it's a muscle that you work. It's really unnatural, particularly if you've never seen it modelled. It's unnatural to pause on your emotion and go 'Okay, I'm going to spend some time reflecting on this. And then I'm going to dive in when I've got a better sense of what's going on.
"Often when we react, we're having an emotional reaction and we're not 100% Sure what's kind of triggered it - what is the deep layer there? What's the need? What's the feeling that we really need to address?
"I find that when people give themselves even an hour or a night [to calm down] they come into a conversation in a much healthier place and with a better sense of what was going on for them and then they can problem-solve."
Ideally, make a plan to talk when you're not in the midst of conflict.
[You could say] "I need to take a pause so that I can respond really well to what you're saying and I can actually hear what you're saying. [Right now] I'm going to struggle to do that … I'm going to say something I regret that's not going to land particularly well. Explain what's going on for you.
"Then, if you need to, you can actually just take yourself away. But explain why, like 'Hey, I'm going to come back and we're going to talk about this in an hour' or 'I really want to talk about this with you, but is it okay if we do that tomorrow?
When Robertson first started living with her husband, they agreed to have a structured conversation about the "tricky stuff" in their relationship at a set time once a week.
"[When stuff came up] sometimes I would journal about it or he would go talk to a friend or whatever. Our strategy was to cope [by ourselves] until we got to that conversation and then we had a structured way of talking about what we were struggling with."
Understand your attachment style
How you experienced attachment as a child usually determines your approach to conflict as an adult, Robertson says.
"I recommend people actually look into the childhood, look into the past, understand how they are functioning [themselves], not just accusing the other person."
When it comes to both attachment and conflict, people generally display one of three styles:
Anxious
"What that means is that they pursue that person the whole time. So when they're in conflict they're like 'I want to talk about this now. I can't cope. I can't sleep. We're going to talk about it till 3am. We need to text about it endlessly until it's resolved and we're harmonious."
Avoidant
"The avoidant person who struggles with conflict, they potentially want to run away, they want to leave the house, but it's coming from a place of fear and overwhelm."
Secure
"What we call a securely attached person has high trust in self and high trust of others. They take a team approach so they know what the team needs and they go 'Hey, I don't think we are going to do our best conversation like this so we'll make a plan. And it doesn't derail them emotionally. They can have these conversations that can be quite difficult but they can do them from a secure place."
Don't fight over text
Robertson finds it extremely frustrating how often people get into conflict over text message. Although voice messages are a better way to communicate, that method is still "not great".
"We tend to misunderstand each other. We don't use tone. We don't use our body to communicate. So it's really hard to pick up on empathy or understanding. And it takes so long. You could resolve that conversation in about three minutes but over text, it's three hours.
"It derails the other parts of your life when you're out and about … maybe you're at work so it's derailing [whatever else] you're doing because you're texting. It's just so problematic. I am always telling couples 'Stop having conflict over text. You need to cut it off straight away.
"[Say something like] 'This is a really important conversation. I really want to talk to you about this [properly]. So you're affirming the other person. You're saying you're committed but you're communicating it's not okay to do over text."
"Crossed wires can happen at the best at times, let alone when you're communicating with text. Nobody feels cared for over text message in a conflict. Nobody feels really heard or really listened to. And that's our ultimate goal in every single conflict. The goal is to listen to each other, to hear the other person out and respond with a strategy or a plan that's going to meet the needs of both of you. And that is very difficult over text."
Email, written letters and written notes are another option but Robertson recommends these convey plenty of "empathy and compliments and care".
"[Say something like] 'These are some of the struggles I have and these are all the ways that I think we could do this better'. [Use plenty of] affirmation because they're not getting that from your tone or from your body language."
Model healthy conflict resolution for children
"Kids who grow up as adults who say 'I never saw my parents have conflict' do tend to struggle to do conflict. But children who grew up in houses that were tumultuous or felt chaotic or like there was too much tension, they also really struggle with conflict. So what we're going for is a little bit of a happy medium.
"They can see you disagree but they don't see it derailing your relationship. So there's no slamming of doors, there's no walking out, there's no escalated voices. It's a disagreement. It's really good, as well, if they can see you resolve it or they can see the strategies that you're using around listening, hearing the other person's perspective … You need to model how to resolve these conflicts but when it's not going well best for them not to hear.
"If you do have a heated argument, make sure to circle back to your kids and process it with them, explain what was going on. Not why you are fighting necessarily but [saying] this is something that adults do sometimes and this is how you're trying to do it better and it's really important so they know that the house is safe and that their parents still going to be together. Make sure that they feel secure because they do tend to go into a little bit of a chaotic state."
How do you know your relationship is in real trouble?
If you are crying a lot, feel like you're walking on eggshells or don't have very many good days in your relationship, Robertson says you probably need to get professional help if you can.
"If you consistently feel undervalued, disrespected or if those are words that are used in your relationship by the other person, you've got some bigger problems.
"If you have done everything you can, if you've sat in counselling and you've tried all the strategies and your partner's not doing the same thing, if they're not meeting you where you're at, then potentially you need some time apart."
